Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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