i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
