Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
