Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
