um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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