M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
