Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
