Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
