do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
