Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
