Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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