So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
