he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
