At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
