It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
