When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
