Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
