so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
