I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
