saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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