No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
