And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
