Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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