I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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