i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
