I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
