It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
