don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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