Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
