good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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