Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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