i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
