Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
