so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
