I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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