'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
