I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
