Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
