do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
