Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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