I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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