my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
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