how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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