My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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