did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
