We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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