so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
