i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
