Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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