I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
