Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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