Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
