she woke up with a sticky ear
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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