Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
