There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
