Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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