Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
