what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
